A Strippers Guide to the Final Four

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The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. I found this great article to help you get ready for the game. If you want to check out the whole article, you can do that here, otherwise just enjoy the best part of the article, which I have included for you below. Go Cats!!

4. Louisville (4)

Louisville is the money, seed, and enrollment loser in this Final Four, but there’s not so much going on in Louisville that they’ll be jaded about a trip to NOLA. Their strippers have to wear pasties and can’t give lapdances. If you approach an older Cardinal, ask him if he knows Charles Taylor, the 71-year-old who punched a 68-year old Kentucky fan in the face at a dialysis clinic.

Average Salary: $72,400

Typical Alum: Works for UPS or in healthcare. Likely to be a better dresser than his fellow Kentuckians from Lexington. Will tip dancers on stage the best. Also likely to be less white than the other fans.

Opening Line: “Is it racist to say ‘hot brown’?”; “So, you actually understood the dialogue in Luck?”

3. Kentucky (1)

Kentucky is a huge, basketball-crazed school that travels well, but they might be a little jaded from so many Final Four appearances to really throw down. Their strip clubs are not nearly as restrictive as those in Louisville, and aren’t nearly as large or heavily staffed as the Bourbon Street clubs.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Owns a car dealership or works in hospitality. Will be dressed in business casual and buy lapdances for his friends.

Opening Line: “Are you a Givens or a Crowder?”

Bonus Opening Line for Use on John Calipari: “The NCAA won’t ever be able to take this champagne room away from you.”

2. Ohio State (2)

The entire state of Ohio suffers under some of the most restrictive strip club laws in the country, an unfortunate turn of events for such a densely populated state. OSU alumni are likely to spend more when traveling now that their home clubs are less fun. And they will travel for a lapdance: it’s conventional wisdom among traveling strippers that golfers from Ohio flood the strip clubs of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina every year during golf season. They’re also likely to simply outnumber the other travelers because of the sheer size of the school, the third largest in the country.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Middle manager for Procter & Gamble or JP Morgan Chase. Will be wearing at least two items of official OSU gear and a mustache. Will buy lapdances and champagne rooms.

Opening Line: Talk to him about what he’s really interested in—Ohio State football.

1. Kansas (2)

The Kansas fan base has three great stripper-friendly characteristics. The school is in the Midwest, so they’re both willing and happy to travel to a party spot; the university is both large and a traditional basketball power; and it’s the alma mater of Jason Sudeikis, who is amazing as a strip club DJ on SNL. The strip clubs in Kansas aren’t awful but they’re not terribly numerous, either. Add it up, and you’ve got a fan base with a great combination of earning power and serious appreciation for friendly naked women.

Average Salary: $80,400

Typical alum: Agriculture or manufacturing executive. Will be dressed conservatively and buy champagne rooms if alone.

Opening line: “Rock, Chalk, Booty Drop!”; talk to him about why there is a turnpike in Kansas; ask about his favorite William S. Burroughs book.

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